Saturday, May 9, 2015

A Hilarious Workplace Harassment Policy

Everything at is worthy of your attention (apparently, it's a viral pitch for HBO's Silicon Valley series, which I have mostly ignored, along with all other scripted television), but the workplace harassment policy is 99 & 44/100ths pure comedic gold:
Pied Piper will, of course, have zero tolerance for harassment based on gender, race, sexuality, religion or lack thereof, class, trans status or ableness. Pied Piper will also of course not merely prohibit harassment that is direct and public but also less direct harassment that creates a hostile workplace. But furthermore, Pied Piper will join the cutting edge of the harassment-detection industry in forbidding microaggressions, nanoaggresions, picoaggressions, yoctoaggressions and all such oppression “particles,” if you will, down to the quantum level.

Pied Piper additionally forbids man-splaining, white-splaining, straight-splaining, cis-splaining, able-splaining, splain-splaining, splain-plaining, splain-shaming and, in general, saying things people doesn’t like. Discussion or possession of the Kurt Vonnegut short story “Harrison Bergeron” will be grounds for immediate termination.
How one might detect picoaggressions is itself patent-worthy, and I know a ready audience.

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